It’s 3PM on a Saturday, I just poured a glass of wine.

Stampy just took the kids to a farm to run around and give me some space.

It’s been a long week.

We had some difficulty at school at the beginning of the week. The good thing is, we have a teacher that took notice and wants to help. The bad thing is, it probably won’t matter.

I realize I’m pretty cynical, but we’ve been down this road before and the more things change, the more they stay the same. I have a hyperlexic kid who can’t communicate. I have a child riddled with anxiety. I have a brilliant child that can not figure out what to do unless told specifically “do this”. No matter the challenge or developments, these things remain the same. These are the roots of our problems. These cause no difficulty (yet) in school so help is often hard to come by.

Molly’s teacher told me I seemed unhappy at our conference. I’m not unhappy, I’m just lost. I don’t know how to help. We try and we try but we aren’t always successful and sometimes we are just out of ideas. I’m tired. I feel like Molly is often crying for help in her own ways and we can’t help her, sometimes when I try I feel like I’m crying for help and no one is listening.

I face the challenge that it’s hard to describe Molly. I had an “aha” moment today at therapy but it took three years of observation to get there. It came after Molly’s teacher informed me that she noticed Molly seemed lost in class one day. Molly was just standing at her station, not asking for help and not doing anything. I know that lost look. Then we went to an activity at her school. I told her she could go with her friends to the different stations but she just looked at me and looked scared. So off we went to the first station together. Then I saw it. It smacked me in the face. She couldn’t figure out how to decorate a cookie because no one gave her instructions. In fact, she couldn’t even figure out how to hold the plastic knife to spread the frosting. I realized then that she was the same three year old wondering around her preschool class without doing anything because no one told her what to do. Which made me realize why sometimes we have so much difficulty at home. I’m forcing independence on her and she doesn’t know what to do.

Then I felt sad. I felt awful it has taken me three years to catch on that she never developed out of that trait. I realized we’ve grown but we haven’t changed. I’m still as lost as I was three years ago when this battled started and she’s still the little girl that is lost.

Things have stayed the same.