For almost two years now I’ve had a little noise in the back of my head saying “Kennedy Krieger”. I usually hush it up and go back into my denial world. I’m usually up front and open about “we need help” and “things aren’t right”, but somehow making the phone call to the children’s hospital seems extreme. It means we’ve hit the big time. I’m not totally ready for the big time.

Almost two years ago when we started with behavioral therapy, we were warned at that point we might not get all we need through local services. We weren’t promised cures, just a good ole fashion try. We were willing to go the least intensive route. Local behavioral therapy, local occupational therapy. And why not, even the school psychologist couldn’t give us 100% diagnosis. Everyone hovered over autism, PDD, anxiety disorder but were in agreement that something was off and most likely Molly was not a case of pure Sensory Processing Disorder. But, then again, she could be. We had a 3 1/2 year old and 18 month old. Least intensive seemed to be what would suit our family best.

We aced behavioral therapy and felt we could breathe. We plateaued in progress in occupational therapy. We started therapeutic riding. We couldn’t deny her improvements. There were many. She was becoming more social with peers. She was wiling to get on her bike. She occasionally would eat something other than pasta. She started using the bathroom at school. Occasionally. We also couldn’t deny the massive behavior problems that continued. The unwillingness to break from routine. The violent, and I mean violent, tantrums. The unwillingness and inability to be independent. The denial of what her body was telling her.

For those of you who don’t really know what Sensory Processing is (and I realize I’ve never really explained it here), it’s a incorrectly wired nervous system. Problems arise in hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling, seeing, balance and internal regulation. The Sensory Spectrum has a great picture, and article explaining SPD here. With Molly, we deal with noises, with balance (proprioception) and internal regulation mostly. And although it seems small, the anxiety and need for perfect routine are enough to drive you crazy. Then we deal with the fact that she doesn’t know she’s hungry, thirsty, hot, cold or any other body sense you could think of. Ever tried to get a picky eater to eat that doesn’t think they are hungry??? It’s impossible. We eat noodles every day. She becomes “hangry” quite often.

So here we stand. We are two months out of going to kindergarten and six months into some of the worst behavior problems we have seen in a long time. Each time we get through one batch another creeps up and we have more defiance, more stubbornness and more battles over every. little. thing. 

Our social worker thought we needed to go to the big guns. We were past what she could give us. We had done everything on their treatment scales. What we need is not here in town. It’s time to call Kennedy Krieger. However, knowing that I am in denial, she also gave us a few names of in town people that might be able to help. Might. I am tired. I am tired of going from therapist to therapist. I am tired of resolving and living through melt down after melt down. I’m losing patience. Fast. It took a week of deliberation between Stampy and myself but we agree. We need it. Our family needs it. Our daughter needs it.

I make the call tomorrow.

Wish me luck.